We Didn't Have Any Fun At All...

That was sarcasm.  It was awesome.  And to prove it, I uploaded 23,000 pictures for your viewing pleasure - cause let's face it, the pictures are the best part.

Hitting the road.  So happy!!

Where we stayed...

We noodled around the harbor that the hotel was located at and got our bearings and found some yummy restaurants to try out...

My super generous father in law lent me his super cool Kindle!!  Honestly, when I first heard of Kindles, I was a little bit of a snob and thought it was really weird - why would you want to replace a book?  I like the way new books smell and the way the pages rustle and crinkle and it makes sense to snuggle up with one.  But when they asked me what books I had packed for the trip and I replied no new ones since the one I had thought I might buy was still in hardback and $30.00.  My FIL said that we could download it to his Kindle for half the price.  So I gave it a shot - and it was wonderful.  So lightweight and convenient.  I may have to invest in one of those suckers.

We went to Cowell Ranch State Beach and it was pretty much deserted.  Perfect spot for a picnic lunch.

This is what happens when you and your husband leave your spot to see something in water.   Don't worry, we helped the seagull after we got the shot!

These were the only other people at the beach - fishermen.  I was really surprised because it seemed like shallow water to be fishing in.  They were pretty fascinating to watch.

We found unexpected little things all over the place... different from what you find in our quiet hometown.

Joe took a 5 hour guided kayak tour from the harbor we were at out into the ocean and 9 miles up the coast... can ya tell he's just a wee bit excited??

This guy kept me company as I watched Joe suit up and take off... closest I've even been to a pelican...

Yeah, he's all for kayaking now.  If you know Joe at all, you know that he is a passionate person and goes into something whole hog.  He has gone through many a hobby... so it looks like kayaking is in our future.  He's all set to head back to Half Moon Bay to get some classes and experience under his belt and dig deeper into it.  

And what did I do while he was gone for 5 hours?

I drove the truck into downtown Half Moon Bay and explored a little, then headed back to the hotel and got some coffee and a pedicure at the spa where we had gotten a couples massage earlier in the week.  I was a happy camper.

OK, so when we knew we were heading to the coast, we HAD to go to Gorilla BBQ in Pacifica, which is like a 15 minute drive from where we were staying.  We had seen it on Diners, Drive Ins and Dives on the Food Network and oh baby, it did not disappoint.  I really love good BBQ and this ranked right up there on my list.  My brisket sandwich was melt in your mouth!!

Like all good things, it did have to come to an end.  But it was so so so wonderful to get away - and it didn't take a faraway trip to really make a big difference.  Just taking ourselves out of the normal routine was like a breath of fresh air.  No cleaning, meal planning or shopping - just relaxing and going with the flow.  Best of all was getting that reconnection with Joe.  I married me a good guy.  I like him. I enjoy spending time with him.  I can't wait for the next chance to get away with him.  But 'til then, I will think back often to these last couple of days and be thankful at what we were able to do.

Tinkering

Awesome flight I took with my Gramps this past April on the Aluminum Overcast - only one of a few original B17s from the War still in operation, just like the ones that Gramps trained pilots on during the war... just chose it to fiddle with on the blog... trying to see if I can reformat photos on here to be bigger...  I think I really like how it looks... now I have to figure out how to resize my header in Photoshop -crap!!

A Change of Location

About two weeks ago I was all poised to purchase our flight tickets to New York.  I had already found a great apartment on Craig's list to rent for a few nights in the city (which incidentally was an awesome way to do it.  way more $$$ friendly than a hotel and you get a real taste of the local flavor. oh, and the place was nicer than our house - like newer and completely remodeled.) and then we were thinking we would head to New Jersey to stay with Joe's brother Jake and his lovely wife Lisa so we could see what their life there is like.  But I wanted to run the final flight times by Joe before I hit the "buy" button.

He was already into his shift at work.  Sometimes that doesn't make for the greatest serious conversation environment - what with the radio and walkie-talkie going off with calls for service and people messaging him on his computer asking questions and stuff.  But that night seemed to be a little slow.  So I filled him in on what I had found.  And he was quiet.

I should probably point out now that the funding for this vacation was anonymously gathered and delivered to us - for us to be able to get away and relax.  I can't tell you how completely wonderful, surprising and humbling it made me feel to open up the envelope and see what had been so generously gifted to us. (THANK YOU if any of you who gave are reading this...)  The money would cover our tickets and lodging in NY.  I had figured that all the extras we would cover.

He finally said that he had been thinking that a trip like that wouldn't be very relaxing or romantic  - more like a family vacation staying with his brother and hustling here and there trying to cram all the sights in.  Plus, we would need to stick to a stricter budget - so hopefully see a show but beyond that try and be frugal.  He had been thinking that if we stayed in California and nixed the airfare, we could really, REALLY treat ourselves to something wonderful and completely pampering... like massages and room service.

Massages?!?!  Say no more.  I was in.  New York will still be there for another time.  Point me to the spa!

So that night I searched out quaint and cozy B&Bs and was thinking that it would be awfully nice to head down the coast to see Hearst Castle and stay in Cayucos or Morro Bay.  I have fond memories of vacationing there with my family for a few summers through Jr. High and High School and would love to share it with Joe.  But unfortunately most of the cute places were booked for the dates we needed.  So I expanded my search parameters and called Joe again and asked if he had any ideas.  He suggested Half Moon Bay, which isn't all that far from where we are and I was a little bummed because that meant there wouldn't be much of a road trip... and we have an awful lot of fun on road trips together.  But then I found this place and that melted away.   It just seemed so appropriate for what we were aiming for... besides, don't you think that the ocean is healing and soothing?  I sure do.  The beauty and vastness of it just completely reminds me of the bigness and thoughtfulness of it's Creator. 

Oh yeah, it's gonna be awesome!!  It feels so nice to look forward to something... 3 more days.  I think I can make it.

Blitz's first time at Ocean Beach in San Francisco, our 4th anniversary 1/29/09

Geez Louise

Well.

I guess the new header is me dipping my pinky toe back into bloggy -land.  I downloaded a trial of Adobe Elements, and I don't even want to tell you how long it took me to arrange one measly banner.  *harumph*  So if anyone has any great tips on how to make it go faster I would surely appreciate it. Oh, and also how do you get rounded corners on pictures when you edit them?  I need step-by-step instructions like you would give to a 5 year old.  Thanks in advance!

Of course, this is typical me.  Jump head long into something and then get completely frustrated when it doesn't look as fantastical as it does in my mind and come to realize that I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Also, adding another time-involved project to my list.  That is typical me too.  I have about 5 rotating projects currently.  You'll get the low down on them all.    

Other than that, things have slowly ebbed back into a normal rhythm here.  I've been back to work since the beginning of April, off of the Zoloft since Memorial Day weekend.  Getting excited that we're headed to New York at the end of next month for vacation with money that was generously and anonymously donated to us for a "get away trip fund" after everything happened.  We weeded and planted roses and hydrangeas in the front and side yard and still have to tackle the blasted back yard.  Keeping up with antics of my crazy dog (he chewed up my reading glasses in a major way).  Finally painted our bedroom a lovely shade of grey.  

And yes, I'm sure it is on all of your minds so I'll just come out and say it.  We're trying again. As in, trying for a baby.  I know that there's a school of thought that says you shouldn't really share that news for fear of people pestering you and always asking "So....?", but I'll be frank.  There is a part of me that is a little afraid.  Afraid that we're doomed to have a repeat.  Afraid that we may never get pregnant again.  Really, fears that don't have a foundation... even if all those fears came true I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that God would still be with us, just as good and loving as ever and we would make it.  He has shown that to me so graciously these past few months.  That being said, I am human and definitely wrestle with those little seeds of fear.  So I WANT and NEED your prayers.  We've shared this whole journey together, so why not the next part too, whether we get pregnant easily or face a hard time of it?  Because you all have been such a support to me - even in my absence from posting - your sweet emails and notes on facebook - oh, what a great group of women to hold me up!  And so, would you please pray that we would have an easy time getting pregnant and have a healthy little one?  

So there ya go.  What started out to be just a line or two to say "hi" became a gumbo of life's recent events.  Oh well.  Good to be back.

Let's Raise These Families Up

Hello dear readers!  I have all been keeping tabs on you, and just waiting for the right time to to post my own things.  I think up brilliant posts in the shower or while I'm trying to fall asleep at night, but I just am not sure HOW I should get back into blogging.  Do I walk you through the whole story of Gabe?  Or update you on the mundane things that are going on in my little world?  While I am still puzzling that one out, there is something important that I wanted to ask of you, that is not for myself.

I'm sure by now all of you have heard about the 4 Oakland police officers that were killed in the line of duty this past Saturday.  To say it hits close to home is not an understatement, and not just because Joe is part of the law enforcement community.  You see, one of the officers was our neighbor.

I can't claim a close relationship with him or his wife, but he and Joe would talk shop and they were always friendly.  I especially remember him this past Halloween because apparently he had trick-or-treating duty with their little girl, and I'm not sure who was having more fun; him or her.

I don't know whether they're believers or not, but readers, please let's bathe these four families in prayer!!  Their fathers/husbands gave their lives protecting a community that is more often than not extremely ungrateful for police presence... what heroes.  

I know the community will rally and show a strong sense of unity.  There has been between two and ten uniformed OPD officers posted 24 hours a day outside their house since the shooting, and will be until the memorial service on Friday.  How awesome is that!!  Many of the houses on our street are flying their flags to show we know.  We care.  We appreciate.

A lot of times it seems like firefighters get all the glory.  No one really likes the actual enforcers of the law... and yet, how selfless and brave are they!  If you hear a siren, say a prayer for either an officer one you know, or just for law enforcement in general.  I try and do that.  It's a tough, often thankless job.  One where there's no guarantee of safety, we just assume it will work out that way.

All this to say, I know what strong prayer warriors you all are, and I know how strongly prayer works.  I have seen it demonstrated time and time again these past five months.  I know there is nothing as soothing and as comforting as the peace that God can provide, and I wish that for their wives and children.  Won't you join me in asking for that for the families?  Thank you dear readers...

On Today

Yesterday was not a good day emotion wise.  I cried a lot.  Grief is such a weird thing the way it leads you through so many different thoughts and feelings one right on top of another.  Sometimes one of the hardest things to deal with is that life just seems to keep right on moving on like he (Gabe) wasn't even here.  Even my own body seems completely traitorous in the fact that it has snapped back into shape (don't throw rocks at me) without a sign that he was there.  I just want to slam on the brakes because I don't feel ready to move on just yet... makes me want to climb onto the roof of my house and scream "does ANYONE understand what just happened to me? "  And yet, one of the comforting thoughts is that life won't always be like this - the sting and sorrow won't always be this strong.  Even on not good days, I am noticing little glimpses of the joy that will be restored to us again in small ways.

So today was a better day than yesterday and here are the little things that helped make it so:

Kisses from Joe & Blitz

Taking a real hot shower without fear of "stimulating" things

Watching Angie Smith's video and feeling like I know her personally - what a lady!!

Downloading Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" and Britney's "Circus" (don't judge me)

Finding this verse and of course applying it to Gabe: "But now,thus says the Lord, your Creator, and He who formed you, 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.' " Isaiah 43:1

Granny's soup - I swear it's better than a magical elixir

A spring-like day

Loving and understanding family

Sweet emails in my inbox and cards in my mailbox

The DVR simultaneously recording Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares & The Office

Freshly washed bedsheets

Baby steps.  But it's good.  Here's hoping it continues on in that direction.

Gabriel Joseph

Well friends, there has been a dark cloud over our heads here since October 14, 2008.  So dark in fact, that I considered stopping this blog all together.  But one of the things that I like best about this whole bloggy world is the transparency that comes along with it - to a certain degree anyway.  I know that the bloggers I feel the most inspired by and connected to are the ones who lay it all out there.  When tragedy struck me was I going to run and hide, or be honest about it and maybe, just maybe my experience might be able to help others?  

I decided that I would keep the blog going, and I know that it will be a good tool to help me deal with the hardest loss I've ever had to face.  Bear with me dear readers, I will fill you in with segments on the journey that Joe, myself, and our precious son Gabe went through the past 2.5 months and how God has been mightily at work in our lives in a seemingly hopeless situation.

For now, I will tell you that on December 30 at a routine Dr's appointment, they were not able to find Gabe's heartbeat, and that he had passed away due to heart failure - I was 6 months along with him.  Prior to that in October we had received the devastating news that he had a random chromosomal disorder (Trisomy 18), which was basically a fatal diagnosis.  We were hoping that he would make it full term... here's the email we sent out after the doctor's appointment on 12/30/08:

Friends and Family,

Kate and I found out today at our Dr's appointment that Gabe passed away due to heart failure.  We were hoping for him to make it to full term (he was at 6 months now) and get to at least share a few moments if not days to hold and interact with him, but it wasn't meant to be.  The next step is we will call tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment in the following few days to induce labor.  Please pray that the labor goes smoothly and for strength for Kate during the labor and delivery which the Dr expects to last 24-36 hours.  One thing that we praise God and are thankful for is we got the results of the amnio, and Kate and I are not genetic carriers, so there is no increased risk for a Trisomy 18 baby in future pregnancies.

As King David said when his and Bathsheba's son died, "I will go to him"...it looks like we'll get to go hang with Gabe in eternity.  Its a comfort to know where he is and that he already has a new body and is not feeling any pain or suffering.  Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and prayers throughout this journey.  Look forward to seeing all of you soon and we covet your prayers and our relationship with each and every one of you.  Your support during this time has meant the world to Kate and I.

Love,

Joe and Kate

"Gabriel" means God is my strength....  Psalm 18:1-3 conveys it well:  "I love you, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  I call to the Lord who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies".

So I was induced on January first, and after 22 hours of labor delivered our sweet boy, Gabriel Joseph, on the 2nd at 1:21pm.  He weighed 1 pound and 7 ounces and was 12.5 inches long, with dark hair.  I came home the following day, and now am trying to recover.  It is hard to have the remnants of pregnancy to have to heal from and deal with, and not have the baby.  But God is so good friends.  And do you know, if I had to do it all again, I would.  Now, that is not saying that I want another Trisomy baby or anything like that... but if it was between having Gabe in my life or not, I would definitely choose to carry him all over again.  I am amazed at how God used a little boy who didn't speak a word or even open his eyes to change me and Joe and all who heard about our situation and in the process, to reveal Himself to us.

Be patient with me.  This whole time has been filled with some good days, some bad, and that is still the case.  Don't be offended if I don't read your site right now or don't comment... I will eventually.  But in this healing process, I need to protect myself too, and for whatever reason, there was a large group of us in the blog world who were all pregnant at the same time, and that is just too hard to deal with right now, though I wish you all nothing but the best.  And my own posting about how all the events unfolded may be rather slow... as my body mends and my head clears I will try and get back into the swing of things.  I know it will come.