Thursday, January 15, 2009

On Today

Yesterday was not a good day emotion wise.  I cried a lot.  Grief is such a weird thing the way it leads you through so many different thoughts and feelings one right on top of another.  Sometimes one of the hardest things to deal with is that life just seems to keep right on moving on like he (Gabe) wasn't even here.  Even my own body seems completely traitorous in the fact that it has snapped back into shape (don't throw rocks at me) without a sign that he was there.  I just want to slam on the brakes because I don't feel ready to move on just yet... makes me want to climb onto the roof of my house and scream "does ANYONE understand what just happened to me? "  And yet, one of the comforting thoughts is that life won't always be like this - the sting and sorrow won't always be this strong.  Even on not good days, I am noticing little glimpses of the joy that will be restored to us again in small ways.

So today was a better day than yesterday and here are the little things that helped make it so:

Kisses from Joe & Blitz
Taking a real hot shower without fear of "stimulating" things
Watching Angie Smith's video and feeling like I know her personally - what a lady!!
Downloading Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" and Britney's "Circus" (don't judge me)
Finding this verse and of course applying it to Gabe: "But now,thus says the Lord, your Creator, and He who formed you, 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.' " Isaiah 43:1
Granny's soup - I swear it's better than a magical elixir
A spring-like day
Loving and understanding family
Sweet emails in my inbox and cards in my mailbox
The DVR simultaneously recording Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares & The Office
Freshly washed bedsheets

Baby steps.  But it's good.  Here's hoping it continues on in that direction.


Olive Oyl said...

I am so sorry your hurting... I can't even begin to fathom the pain you are feeling... But I think it is so important that you are recognizing those feelings and emotions and living them outloud rather than storing them inside and pretending you are okay. I think that is such an important part of the healing process.

Your sweet Gabe was so loved, and although I know not everyone may be able to understand the trials you are going through, know that we all love you and support you and rejoice in your good days just as much as we want to hug you and console you on your bad ones.

Hugs and loves to you!

marisa paige henry franson said...

i'm so glad you are finding the small joys. i am SO glad.

do you think our babies are playing together up there? i hope so. i always wanted to have franson/kalsbeek playdates. :)

Cara Kipp said...

So glad that today is better than yesterday. I am grieving for you and have missed you in "blogland." Only those who have been through it can understand (I cannot understand) but be encouraged, I've seen many cases of this sadness and hurt turned into JOY!

Candace said...

The button on your sidebar has come to my mind over and over the last few weeks: Choose joy. I don't know when you put it there, but in those moments of life when I feel like shutting everyone and everything out, and I just want to sit in my ashes, it comes to my mind: Choose joy. Kate, I hope you know what an inspiration you are, and I can tell you that in the midst of your incredible heartache and sorrow, God's glory is already reaching others through Gabriel's life. I hope so much for you and Joe and am so encouraged and humbled by your faith.

Amy said...

just sending you a little love =)
glad to see you are blogging again. i've missed it.

Amy said...

One more thing.
While I might not understand what you are going through fully, just know that I have lot's of moments where my world just stops, and I'm all-consumed with mourning for Gabe, a baby I never met, but loved so very much. So life does not go on as if he didn't exist. Not for you, not for me, and I'm sure not for so many others that love you and Joe, and had come to love your sweet baby boy.
Remember that, when you feel like life is too normal, or that he has been forgotten.
He hasn't.

lorieloo said...

hey girlie, how are you today?

Allie said...

Dave & I have often thought of you & Joe over the last few months. I regret not acting on those thoughts earlier. You've been in my prayers, too, and I stumbled across your blog today. Although I cannot begin to understand what you have gone through & continue to go through, I want you to know my heart aches for you. It's encouraging to read that you're finding little things to be thankful for. You write beautifully in this blog & I'm looking forward to following along now.

Olive Oyl said...

Hey, I have a little something I'd like to send you. I swear, it isn't like poison brownies or anything, I'm not crazy... :)

If you wouldn't mind sending me your info, I'd like to get it out to you next week!

My email address is:

christiechambless at gmail dot com

Hope you are having a good day!