Tinkering

Awesome flight I took with my Gramps this past April on the Aluminum Overcast - only one of a few original B17s from the War still in operation, just like the ones that Gramps trained pilots on during the war... just chose it to fiddle with on the blog... trying to see if I can reformat photos on here to be bigger...  I think I really like how it looks... now I have to figure out how to resize my header in Photoshop -crap!!

A Change of Location

About two weeks ago I was all poised to purchase our flight tickets to New York.  I had already found a great apartment on Craig's list to rent for a few nights in the city (which incidentally was an awesome way to do it.  way more $$$ friendly than a hotel and you get a real taste of the local flavor. oh, and the place was nicer than our house - like newer and completely remodeled.) and then we were thinking we would head to New Jersey to stay with Joe's brother Jake and his lovely wife Lisa so we could see what their life there is like.  But I wanted to run the final flight times by Joe before I hit the "buy" button.

He was already into his shift at work.  Sometimes that doesn't make for the greatest serious conversation environment - what with the radio and walkie-talkie going off with calls for service and people messaging him on his computer asking questions and stuff.  But that night seemed to be a little slow.  So I filled him in on what I had found.  And he was quiet.

I should probably point out now that the funding for this vacation was anonymously gathered and delivered to us - for us to be able to get away and relax.  I can't tell you how completely wonderful, surprising and humbling it made me feel to open up the envelope and see what had been so generously gifted to us. (THANK YOU if any of you who gave are reading this...)  The money would cover our tickets and lodging in NY.  I had figured that all the extras we would cover.

He finally said that he had been thinking that a trip like that wouldn't be very relaxing or romantic  - more like a family vacation staying with his brother and hustling here and there trying to cram all the sights in.  Plus, we would need to stick to a stricter budget - so hopefully see a show but beyond that try and be frugal.  He had been thinking that if we stayed in California and nixed the airfare, we could really, REALLY treat ourselves to something wonderful and completely pampering... like massages and room service.

Massages?!?!  Say no more.  I was in.  New York will still be there for another time.  Point me to the spa!

So that night I searched out quaint and cozy B&Bs and was thinking that it would be awfully nice to head down the coast to see Hearst Castle and stay in Cayucos or Morro Bay.  I have fond memories of vacationing there with my family for a few summers through Jr. High and High School and would love to share it with Joe.  But unfortunately most of the cute places were booked for the dates we needed.  So I expanded my search parameters and called Joe again and asked if he had any ideas.  He suggested Half Moon Bay, which isn't all that far from where we are and I was a little bummed because that meant there wouldn't be much of a road trip... and we have an awful lot of fun on road trips together.  But then I found this place and that melted away.   It just seemed so appropriate for what we were aiming for... besides, don't you think that the ocean is healing and soothing?  I sure do.  The beauty and vastness of it just completely reminds me of the bigness and thoughtfulness of it's Creator. 

Oh yeah, it's gonna be awesome!!  It feels so nice to look forward to something... 3 more days.  I think I can make it.

Blitz's first time at Ocean Beach in San Francisco, our 4th anniversary 1/29/09

Geez Louise

Well.

I guess the new header is me dipping my pinky toe back into bloggy -land.  I downloaded a trial of Adobe Elements, and I don't even want to tell you how long it took me to arrange one measly banner.  *harumph*  So if anyone has any great tips on how to make it go faster I would surely appreciate it. Oh, and also how do you get rounded corners on pictures when you edit them?  I need step-by-step instructions like you would give to a 5 year old.  Thanks in advance!

Of course, this is typical me.  Jump head long into something and then get completely frustrated when it doesn't look as fantastical as it does in my mind and come to realize that I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Also, adding another time-involved project to my list.  That is typical me too.  I have about 5 rotating projects currently.  You'll get the low down on them all.    

Other than that, things have slowly ebbed back into a normal rhythm here.  I've been back to work since the beginning of April, off of the Zoloft since Memorial Day weekend.  Getting excited that we're headed to New York at the end of next month for vacation with money that was generously and anonymously donated to us for a "get away trip fund" after everything happened.  We weeded and planted roses and hydrangeas in the front and side yard and still have to tackle the blasted back yard.  Keeping up with antics of my crazy dog (he chewed up my reading glasses in a major way).  Finally painted our bedroom a lovely shade of grey.  

And yes, I'm sure it is on all of your minds so I'll just come out and say it.  We're trying again. As in, trying for a baby.  I know that there's a school of thought that says you shouldn't really share that news for fear of people pestering you and always asking "So....?", but I'll be frank.  There is a part of me that is a little afraid.  Afraid that we're doomed to have a repeat.  Afraid that we may never get pregnant again.  Really, fears that don't have a foundation... even if all those fears came true I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that God would still be with us, just as good and loving as ever and we would make it.  He has shown that to me so graciously these past few months.  That being said, I am human and definitely wrestle with those little seeds of fear.  So I WANT and NEED your prayers.  We've shared this whole journey together, so why not the next part too, whether we get pregnant easily or face a hard time of it?  Because you all have been such a support to me - even in my absence from posting - your sweet emails and notes on facebook - oh, what a great group of women to hold me up!  And so, would you please pray that we would have an easy time getting pregnant and have a healthy little one?  

So there ya go.  What started out to be just a line or two to say "hi" became a gumbo of life's recent events.  Oh well.  Good to be back.

Let's Raise These Families Up

Hello dear readers!  I have all been keeping tabs on you, and just waiting for the right time to to post my own things.  I think up brilliant posts in the shower or while I'm trying to fall asleep at night, but I just am not sure HOW I should get back into blogging.  Do I walk you through the whole story of Gabe?  Or update you on the mundane things that are going on in my little world?  While I am still puzzling that one out, there is something important that I wanted to ask of you, that is not for myself.

I'm sure by now all of you have heard about the 4 Oakland police officers that were killed in the line of duty this past Saturday.  To say it hits close to home is not an understatement, and not just because Joe is part of the law enforcement community.  You see, one of the officers was our neighbor.

I can't claim a close relationship with him or his wife, but he and Joe would talk shop and they were always friendly.  I especially remember him this past Halloween because apparently he had trick-or-treating duty with their little girl, and I'm not sure who was having more fun; him or her.

I don't know whether they're believers or not, but readers, please let's bathe these four families in prayer!!  Their fathers/husbands gave their lives protecting a community that is more often than not extremely ungrateful for police presence... what heroes.  

I know the community will rally and show a strong sense of unity.  There has been between two and ten uniformed OPD officers posted 24 hours a day outside their house since the shooting, and will be until the memorial service on Friday.  How awesome is that!!  Many of the houses on our street are flying their flags to show we know.  We care.  We appreciate.

A lot of times it seems like firefighters get all the glory.  No one really likes the actual enforcers of the law... and yet, how selfless and brave are they!  If you hear a siren, say a prayer for either an officer one you know, or just for law enforcement in general.  I try and do that.  It's a tough, often thankless job.  One where there's no guarantee of safety, we just assume it will work out that way.

All this to say, I know what strong prayer warriors you all are, and I know how strongly prayer works.  I have seen it demonstrated time and time again these past five months.  I know there is nothing as soothing and as comforting as the peace that God can provide, and I wish that for their wives and children.  Won't you join me in asking for that for the families?  Thank you dear readers...

On Today

Yesterday was not a good day emotion wise.  I cried a lot.  Grief is such a weird thing the way it leads you through so many different thoughts and feelings one right on top of another.  Sometimes one of the hardest things to deal with is that life just seems to keep right on moving on like he (Gabe) wasn't even here.  Even my own body seems completely traitorous in the fact that it has snapped back into shape (don't throw rocks at me) without a sign that he was there.  I just want to slam on the brakes because I don't feel ready to move on just yet... makes me want to climb onto the roof of my house and scream "does ANYONE understand what just happened to me? "  And yet, one of the comforting thoughts is that life won't always be like this - the sting and sorrow won't always be this strong.  Even on not good days, I am noticing little glimpses of the joy that will be restored to us again in small ways.

So today was a better day than yesterday and here are the little things that helped make it so:

Kisses from Joe & Blitz

Taking a real hot shower without fear of "stimulating" things

Watching Angie Smith's video and feeling like I know her personally - what a lady!!

Downloading Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" and Britney's "Circus" (don't judge me)

Finding this verse and of course applying it to Gabe: "But now,thus says the Lord, your Creator, and He who formed you, 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.' " Isaiah 43:1

Granny's soup - I swear it's better than a magical elixir

A spring-like day

Loving and understanding family

Sweet emails in my inbox and cards in my mailbox

The DVR simultaneously recording Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares & The Office

Freshly washed bedsheets

Baby steps.  But it's good.  Here's hoping it continues on in that direction.

Gabriel Joseph

Well friends, there has been a dark cloud over our heads here since October 14, 2008.  So dark in fact, that I considered stopping this blog all together.  But one of the things that I like best about this whole bloggy world is the transparency that comes along with it - to a certain degree anyway.  I know that the bloggers I feel the most inspired by and connected to are the ones who lay it all out there.  When tragedy struck me was I going to run and hide, or be honest about it and maybe, just maybe my experience might be able to help others?  

I decided that I would keep the blog going, and I know that it will be a good tool to help me deal with the hardest loss I've ever had to face.  Bear with me dear readers, I will fill you in with segments on the journey that Joe, myself, and our precious son Gabe went through the past 2.5 months and how God has been mightily at work in our lives in a seemingly hopeless situation.

For now, I will tell you that on December 30 at a routine Dr's appointment, they were not able to find Gabe's heartbeat, and that he had passed away due to heart failure - I was 6 months along with him.  Prior to that in October we had received the devastating news that he had a random chromosomal disorder (Trisomy 18), which was basically a fatal diagnosis.  We were hoping that he would make it full term... here's the email we sent out after the doctor's appointment on 12/30/08:

Friends and Family,

Kate and I found out today at our Dr's appointment that Gabe passed away due to heart failure.  We were hoping for him to make it to full term (he was at 6 months now) and get to at least share a few moments if not days to hold and interact with him, but it wasn't meant to be.  The next step is we will call tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment in the following few days to induce labor.  Please pray that the labor goes smoothly and for strength for Kate during the labor and delivery which the Dr expects to last 24-36 hours.  One thing that we praise God and are thankful for is we got the results of the amnio, and Kate and I are not genetic carriers, so there is no increased risk for a Trisomy 18 baby in future pregnancies.

As King David said when his and Bathsheba's son died, "I will go to him"...it looks like we'll get to go hang with Gabe in eternity.  Its a comfort to know where he is and that he already has a new body and is not feeling any pain or suffering.  Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and prayers throughout this journey.  Look forward to seeing all of you soon and we covet your prayers and our relationship with each and every one of you.  Your support during this time has meant the world to Kate and I.

Love,

Joe and Kate

"Gabriel" means God is my strength....  Psalm 18:1-3 conveys it well:  "I love you, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  I call to the Lord who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies".

So I was induced on January first, and after 22 hours of labor delivered our sweet boy, Gabriel Joseph, on the 2nd at 1:21pm.  He weighed 1 pound and 7 ounces and was 12.5 inches long, with dark hair.  I came home the following day, and now am trying to recover.  It is hard to have the remnants of pregnancy to have to heal from and deal with, and not have the baby.  But God is so good friends.  And do you know, if I had to do it all again, I would.  Now, that is not saying that I want another Trisomy baby or anything like that... but if it was between having Gabe in my life or not, I would definitely choose to carry him all over again.  I am amazed at how God used a little boy who didn't speak a word or even open his eyes to change me and Joe and all who heard about our situation and in the process, to reveal Himself to us.

Be patient with me.  This whole time has been filled with some good days, some bad, and that is still the case.  Don't be offended if I don't read your site right now or don't comment... I will eventually.  But in this healing process, I need to protect myself too, and for whatever reason, there was a large group of us in the blog world who were all pregnant at the same time, and that is just too hard to deal with right now, though I wish you all nothing but the best.  And my own posting about how all the events unfolded may be rather slow... as my body mends and my head clears I will try and get back into the swing of things.  I know it will come.

Insurance...? And more belly pics...

So, about a month ago when I started to see a slight swelling of my belly, I thought it was time to go purchase some belly butter. I know that really it's all up to genetics as to whether or not stretch marks will show up on your body, but I thought that even if I developed them, I would feel better about the whole thing knowing that I had been proactive and at least tried to do something to prohibit them. And anyways, it certainly couldn't hurt anything... right? So I ended up with this wonderful stuff from Burt's Bees - wow is it yummy. I love that it doesn't smell coconutty and a little goes a long way. I just rub a little on after every shower and head on my way. I'll report on if it helps at all, or not.

We had a Dr's appt on Thursday and got to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was awesome!! The nurse practitioner had a little bit of a time actually finding the baby, and I'll admit, I did start to get a little nervous as I laid there on the table just waiting to hear it. Even with her reassurances that it usually takes a little while to find it and that nothing was out of the normal I don't think I exhaled until I heard the fast little "bomp, bomp, bomp" clear as day and couldn't help but grinning. Everything measured great, she was pleased by my weight gain (7 pounds total so far) and we got the appt date for the BIG ultrasound where we find out what Baby K is packing - October 30. I am so excited for it! Now here is where it gets interesting. I feel that this baby is a girl - I really couldn't tell you why I think that, I just do. When I close my eyes and picture the three of us I see me, Joe, and a little girl. Now, that is not to say that I would not be thrilled by a boy - I don't care either way one iota. Joe is guessing that it's a boy, although the baby's heartbeat was in the 148-153 range, which according to the old wives tale indicates a girl and I think for a split second he wanted to change his guess, while I just got a kick out of it, but tried to take it with a grain of salt. So to all you mamas out there, was your "intuition" correct? Did the wives tales pan out for you or is it all really a crock?

14 weeks

16 weeks

Well, here are the belly shots. While I can note definite change, it really is not at all dramatic in clothes, and most people are still surprised at how far I am and how little I show. All the ladies at work monitor me constantly, and I think they're more excited for me to really "pop" than I am - and let me tell you, I'm excited to. To me, it just seems like a pot belly and not a baby bump - or at least that's what I think most people assume when they see me. Oh well. I know that in the next few weeks the baby will go through some big growth spurts and in turn will make me grow... it's just this phase is a little weird. But one thing that is helping me get through it is the Bella Band - wow that is one amazing invention. It was frustrating being mostly too small yet for things in Maternity Land, but clearly being too big for my khakis, dress pants and skirts, this thing has comfortably extended their lives to get me through a few more weeks and I love it!! (And it will definitely help me get back into them after baby. ) Well, that and I did stop by Old Navy's 75% off sale and get a couple tops in a larger size and a pair of pants that were the larger for me.

Just for funsies it occurred to me that this was the last image of my living room that you all saw...


and now it looks like this:


So cozy! I love it. I love the crisp, chilly weather we're having right now too - Fall is the best. Last weekend I bought some mini pumpkins and Indian corn for the mantle and mums for the porch - next will be heading out to the pumpkin patch - fun! And now dear readers, I'm off to either nap or walk Blitz... hmmm, which will it be?