Geez Louise

Well.

I guess the new header is me dipping my pinky toe back into bloggy -land.  I downloaded a trial of Adobe Elements, and I don't even want to tell you how long it took me to arrange one measly banner.  *harumph*  So if anyone has any great tips on how to make it go faster I would surely appreciate it. Oh, and also how do you get rounded corners on pictures when you edit them?  I need step-by-step instructions like you would give to a 5 year old.  Thanks in advance!

Of course, this is typical me.  Jump head long into something and then get completely frustrated when it doesn't look as fantastical as it does in my mind and come to realize that I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Also, adding another time-involved project to my list.  That is typical me too.  I have about 5 rotating projects currently.  You'll get the low down on them all.    

Other than that, things have slowly ebbed back into a normal rhythm here.  I've been back to work since the beginning of April, off of the Zoloft since Memorial Day weekend.  Getting excited that we're headed to New York at the end of next month for vacation with money that was generously and anonymously donated to us for a "get away trip fund" after everything happened.  We weeded and planted roses and hydrangeas in the front and side yard and still have to tackle the blasted back yard.  Keeping up with antics of my crazy dog (he chewed up my reading glasses in a major way).  Finally painted our bedroom a lovely shade of grey.  

And yes, I'm sure it is on all of your minds so I'll just come out and say it.  We're trying again. As in, trying for a baby.  I know that there's a school of thought that says you shouldn't really share that news for fear of people pestering you and always asking "So....?", but I'll be frank.  There is a part of me that is a little afraid.  Afraid that we're doomed to have a repeat.  Afraid that we may never get pregnant again.  Really, fears that don't have a foundation... even if all those fears came true I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that God would still be with us, just as good and loving as ever and we would make it.  He has shown that to me so graciously these past few months.  That being said, I am human and definitely wrestle with those little seeds of fear.  So I WANT and NEED your prayers.  We've shared this whole journey together, so why not the next part too, whether we get pregnant easily or face a hard time of it?  Because you all have been such a support to me - even in my absence from posting - your sweet emails and notes on facebook - oh, what a great group of women to hold me up!  And so, would you please pray that we would have an easy time getting pregnant and have a healthy little one?  

So there ya go.  What started out to be just a line or two to say "hi" became a gumbo of life's recent events.  Oh well.  Good to be back.

Let's Raise These Families Up

Hello dear readers!  I have all been keeping tabs on you, and just waiting for the right time to to post my own things.  I think up brilliant posts in the shower or while I'm trying to fall asleep at night, but I just am not sure HOW I should get back into blogging.  Do I walk you through the whole story of Gabe?  Or update you on the mundane things that are going on in my little world?  While I am still puzzling that one out, there is something important that I wanted to ask of you, that is not for myself.

I'm sure by now all of you have heard about the 4 Oakland police officers that were killed in the line of duty this past Saturday.  To say it hits close to home is not an understatement, and not just because Joe is part of the law enforcement community.  You see, one of the officers was our neighbor.

I can't claim a close relationship with him or his wife, but he and Joe would talk shop and they were always friendly.  I especially remember him this past Halloween because apparently he had trick-or-treating duty with their little girl, and I'm not sure who was having more fun; him or her.

I don't know whether they're believers or not, but readers, please let's bathe these four families in prayer!!  Their fathers/husbands gave their lives protecting a community that is more often than not extremely ungrateful for police presence... what heroes.  

I know the community will rally and show a strong sense of unity.  There has been between two and ten uniformed OPD officers posted 24 hours a day outside their house since the shooting, and will be until the memorial service on Friday.  How awesome is that!!  Many of the houses on our street are flying their flags to show we know.  We care.  We appreciate.

A lot of times it seems like firefighters get all the glory.  No one really likes the actual enforcers of the law... and yet, how selfless and brave are they!  If you hear a siren, say a prayer for either an officer one you know, or just for law enforcement in general.  I try and do that.  It's a tough, often thankless job.  One where there's no guarantee of safety, we just assume it will work out that way.

All this to say, I know what strong prayer warriors you all are, and I know how strongly prayer works.  I have seen it demonstrated time and time again these past five months.  I know there is nothing as soothing and as comforting as the peace that God can provide, and I wish that for their wives and children.  Won't you join me in asking for that for the families?  Thank you dear readers...

On Today

Yesterday was not a good day emotion wise.  I cried a lot.  Grief is such a weird thing the way it leads you through so many different thoughts and feelings one right on top of another.  Sometimes one of the hardest things to deal with is that life just seems to keep right on moving on like he (Gabe) wasn't even here.  Even my own body seems completely traitorous in the fact that it has snapped back into shape (don't throw rocks at me) without a sign that he was there.  I just want to slam on the brakes because I don't feel ready to move on just yet... makes me want to climb onto the roof of my house and scream "does ANYONE understand what just happened to me? "  And yet, one of the comforting thoughts is that life won't always be like this - the sting and sorrow won't always be this strong.  Even on not good days, I am noticing little glimpses of the joy that will be restored to us again in small ways.

So today was a better day than yesterday and here are the little things that helped make it so:

Kisses from Joe & Blitz

Taking a real hot shower without fear of "stimulating" things

Watching Angie Smith's video and feeling like I know her personally - what a lady!!

Downloading Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" and Britney's "Circus" (don't judge me)

Finding this verse and of course applying it to Gabe: "But now,thus says the Lord, your Creator, and He who formed you, 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.' " Isaiah 43:1

Granny's soup - I swear it's better than a magical elixir

A spring-like day

Loving and understanding family

Sweet emails in my inbox and cards in my mailbox

The DVR simultaneously recording Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares & The Office

Freshly washed bedsheets

Baby steps.  But it's good.  Here's hoping it continues on in that direction.

Gabriel Joseph

Well friends, there has been a dark cloud over our heads here since October 14, 2008.  So dark in fact, that I considered stopping this blog all together.  But one of the things that I like best about this whole bloggy world is the transparency that comes along with it - to a certain degree anyway.  I know that the bloggers I feel the most inspired by and connected to are the ones who lay it all out there.  When tragedy struck me was I going to run and hide, or be honest about it and maybe, just maybe my experience might be able to help others?  

I decided that I would keep the blog going, and I know that it will be a good tool to help me deal with the hardest loss I've ever had to face.  Bear with me dear readers, I will fill you in with segments on the journey that Joe, myself, and our precious son Gabe went through the past 2.5 months and how God has been mightily at work in our lives in a seemingly hopeless situation.

For now, I will tell you that on December 30 at a routine Dr's appointment, they were not able to find Gabe's heartbeat, and that he had passed away due to heart failure - I was 6 months along with him.  Prior to that in October we had received the devastating news that he had a random chromosomal disorder (Trisomy 18), which was basically a fatal diagnosis.  We were hoping that he would make it full term... here's the email we sent out after the doctor's appointment on 12/30/08:

Friends and Family,

Kate and I found out today at our Dr's appointment that Gabe passed away due to heart failure.  We were hoping for him to make it to full term (he was at 6 months now) and get to at least share a few moments if not days to hold and interact with him, but it wasn't meant to be.  The next step is we will call tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment in the following few days to induce labor.  Please pray that the labor goes smoothly and for strength for Kate during the labor and delivery which the Dr expects to last 24-36 hours.  One thing that we praise God and are thankful for is we got the results of the amnio, and Kate and I are not genetic carriers, so there is no increased risk for a Trisomy 18 baby in future pregnancies.

As King David said when his and Bathsheba's son died, "I will go to him"...it looks like we'll get to go hang with Gabe in eternity.  Its a comfort to know where he is and that he already has a new body and is not feeling any pain or suffering.  Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and prayers throughout this journey.  Look forward to seeing all of you soon and we covet your prayers and our relationship with each and every one of you.  Your support during this time has meant the world to Kate and I.

Love,

Joe and Kate

"Gabriel" means God is my strength....  Psalm 18:1-3 conveys it well:  "I love you, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  I call to the Lord who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies".

So I was induced on January first, and after 22 hours of labor delivered our sweet boy, Gabriel Joseph, on the 2nd at 1:21pm.  He weighed 1 pound and 7 ounces and was 12.5 inches long, with dark hair.  I came home the following day, and now am trying to recover.  It is hard to have the remnants of pregnancy to have to heal from and deal with, and not have the baby.  But God is so good friends.  And do you know, if I had to do it all again, I would.  Now, that is not saying that I want another Trisomy baby or anything like that... but if it was between having Gabe in my life or not, I would definitely choose to carry him all over again.  I am amazed at how God used a little boy who didn't speak a word or even open his eyes to change me and Joe and all who heard about our situation and in the process, to reveal Himself to us.

Be patient with me.  This whole time has been filled with some good days, some bad, and that is still the case.  Don't be offended if I don't read your site right now or don't comment... I will eventually.  But in this healing process, I need to protect myself too, and for whatever reason, there was a large group of us in the blog world who were all pregnant at the same time, and that is just too hard to deal with right now, though I wish you all nothing but the best.  And my own posting about how all the events unfolded may be rather slow... as my body mends and my head clears I will try and get back into the swing of things.  I know it will come.

Insurance...? And more belly pics...

So, about a month ago when I started to see a slight swelling of my belly, I thought it was time to go purchase some belly butter. I know that really it's all up to genetics as to whether or not stretch marks will show up on your body, but I thought that even if I developed them, I would feel better about the whole thing knowing that I had been proactive and at least tried to do something to prohibit them. And anyways, it certainly couldn't hurt anything... right? So I ended up with this wonderful stuff from Burt's Bees - wow is it yummy. I love that it doesn't smell coconutty and a little goes a long way. I just rub a little on after every shower and head on my way. I'll report on if it helps at all, or not.

We had a Dr's appt on Thursday and got to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was awesome!! The nurse practitioner had a little bit of a time actually finding the baby, and I'll admit, I did start to get a little nervous as I laid there on the table just waiting to hear it. Even with her reassurances that it usually takes a little while to find it and that nothing was out of the normal I don't think I exhaled until I heard the fast little "bomp, bomp, bomp" clear as day and couldn't help but grinning. Everything measured great, she was pleased by my weight gain (7 pounds total so far) and we got the appt date for the BIG ultrasound where we find out what Baby K is packing - October 30. I am so excited for it! Now here is where it gets interesting. I feel that this baby is a girl - I really couldn't tell you why I think that, I just do. When I close my eyes and picture the three of us I see me, Joe, and a little girl. Now, that is not to say that I would not be thrilled by a boy - I don't care either way one iota. Joe is guessing that it's a boy, although the baby's heartbeat was in the 148-153 range, which according to the old wives tale indicates a girl and I think for a split second he wanted to change his guess, while I just got a kick out of it, but tried to take it with a grain of salt. So to all you mamas out there, was your "intuition" correct? Did the wives tales pan out for you or is it all really a crock?

14 weeks

16 weeks

Well, here are the belly shots. While I can note definite change, it really is not at all dramatic in clothes, and most people are still surprised at how far I am and how little I show. All the ladies at work monitor me constantly, and I think they're more excited for me to really "pop" than I am - and let me tell you, I'm excited to. To me, it just seems like a pot belly and not a baby bump - or at least that's what I think most people assume when they see me. Oh well. I know that in the next few weeks the baby will go through some big growth spurts and in turn will make me grow... it's just this phase is a little weird. But one thing that is helping me get through it is the Bella Band - wow that is one amazing invention. It was frustrating being mostly too small yet for things in Maternity Land, but clearly being too big for my khakis, dress pants and skirts, this thing has comfortably extended their lives to get me through a few more weeks and I love it!! (And it will definitely help me get back into them after baby. ) Well, that and I did stop by Old Navy's 75% off sale and get a couple tops in a larger size and a pair of pants that were the larger for me.

Just for funsies it occurred to me that this was the last image of my living room that you all saw...


and now it looks like this:


So cozy! I love it. I love the crisp, chilly weather we're having right now too - Fall is the best. Last weekend I bought some mini pumpkins and Indian corn for the mantle and mums for the porch - next will be heading out to the pumpkin patch - fun! And now dear readers, I'm off to either nap or walk Blitz... hmmm, which will it be?

The Student

So, I've gotten a few inquiries as to how Blitz is doing since his return home.  Simply put, great!  No signs of pain or limping, and while there is a definite small bump on the front of his right leg, we think it might be more like scar tissue that swelling as it doesn't feel warm to the touch.  He settled right back in with us like he never left, and still loves playing with his green squeaky ball and laying in the bathroom between the wall and the toilet and being in the kitchen.  The biggest change has been his size.  When he left he looked like this:

And now he looks like this:

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that he still does have quite a bit of puppy in him still just because he looks full grown (which he is not quite yet) when he's getting into something he's not supposed to or driving me a little nuts during his "bewitching" hour of about 8pm-9pm.  We try to walk him twice a day and that really helps him be a contented hound in the house; no crazy rampages thru the living room grabbing all the pillows off the love seat or sticking his head in the hampers to grab socks to chew on.  The weirdest thing that happened lately was that at my family birthday dinner last week, we brought him to my grandparent's where the dinner was at, and he was a prince the whole time.  Then, as the dishes were being cleared to make way for the cake and coffee Granny went out into the garage, Joe went to help her and Blitz followed right behind.  Joe heard a "crunch" and looked down and saw that Blitz was munching on a half- hidden -under -the- dryer tray of rat poison.  My Granny and Gramps felt so horrible - they didn't even remember that they had any poison down.  So after a call to poison control, trip to the emergency vet ($$$) he is just fine.  By doing that, he also managed to weasel out of the appointment that we had for him to be fixed... yes, he's a smart one!

Last Tuesday night was our first night of obedience school with him, and it was really fun.  Lots of good tips and techniques and he seems to be a pretty quick learner.  We just have to be diligent with the homework.  So, we'll just continue one day at a time with him and enjoy him to bits - which is easy to do.  He is gorgeous to look at and has personality out the wazoo!

Some Secrets Are Too Good To Keep

Well folks, no beating around the bush - save the date of March 25, 2009 because Baby K has chosen that approximate day to make his/her grand arrival into the world!! To say that Joe and I are thrilled would be a severe understatement. So far, I'm 12 weeks and feeling good. I feel very fortunate that I only had 2 little bouts with morning sickness, and the biggest symptoms I've had so far would be extreme fatigue and my skin reverting back to looking like I'm 13 again (yuck!). There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I don't really feel like I can write cohesively, so I think I'll just address the most asked questions list style... and just so you all know, I did want to spill the beans a while ago, but if any of our nearest and dearest found out about the baby via this blog and not us telling them, we would've been in some hot water. So, with everyone accounted for, now I can let all you in on the most exciting thing taking over our lives, and my body!

Yes, this was a planned pregnancy. You know how there are some points of time that are just seared in your memory? Well, on Thanksgiving Day '07, Joe came to me and said that he felt we were ready to start a family, and some other really touching things. So together, we threw away the circular pink pill pack, and eagerly expected in a month or two to find out that we were pregnant. But the road to pregnancy was a little longer than I thought it would be. By the fifth month, I was starting to get a little nervous and wondering what exactly was the hold-up, and by the sixth month I felt positive that something was wrong. But not Joe. He never wavered or stressed about it, and said that we would cross that bridge if and when we came to it. I tried not to focus all my thoughts and energy on it, but it felt like everyone and their mother was coming out of the woodwork to announce they were expecting. I was aware of when I would be ovulating, but I didn't use the sticks anymore to tell the exact day since that was kind of taking the fun out of it, and didn't seem to really work anyway and decided that I would try my hardest to enjoy the "now" rather than the "someday". On the night before we left for San Diego, I realized that I was supposed to get my period while we would be down there and was trying to figure out what supplies I should pack - but would I get it? Would this be the month I wouldn't? I was kind of tired of the whole hold your breath to wait and see, and then be all disappointed when it comes. I didn't want to ruin the vacation for Joe with a poor attitude, so I thought that I would take a test that night, it would be negative since it was a good 4-5 days before I would be getting it, and I could mentally "prepare" myself for it. So I grabbed the stick, peed, and before I could even lay it flat two lines instantly popped up.

Positive prego test July 14, 2008

Shocked doesn't even come closed to describing the panoply of emotions that all coursed through my body while I was staring wide-eyed at those lines. I closed the window in the bathroom so my neighbors wouldn't hear me and think something was wrong and screamed my head off. Of course, since it was night, I was home alone and seriously thought about calling Joe and shouting it to him over the phone, but at least had enough clarity to realize that probably wasn't the best way to convey to him the news that he was going to be a daddy. I had bought and tucked away a little bib for just such an occasion that had a picture of a stick figure cop with the words "my daddy is my hero" and I laid that along with the pregnancy test on top of his packed suitcase. That was a hard night because I knew I would have to do a fair amount of driving the next day, but I was so excited/pumped/shocked/moved I couldn't sleep a wink... and every so often I would flick on the light, walk over and look at the stick just to make sure the two lines were still there with a dumb grin on my face. When Joe finally did get home the next day, his reaction was everything that I could've hoped for - I wish I had the camcorder then to record his reaction. There was lots of hugging and kissing and disbelief and more hugging and kissing. I don't think there have been two happier people leaving on a long roadtrip - we floated out of the house.

Yes, we will find out what the baby's sex is. The big ultrasound is for sometime around Halloween, and hopefully baby cooperates. We've got names "fairly" settled - if you ask Joe, they're pretty much locked in, but I'm a little more hesitant to say "yes, that's the name I want my child to have for all eternity!". And Joe has proved pickier about names than I ever would've thought... especially the ones for a girl. So wish me luck.

First sonogram at 5 weeks on July 24 due to some spotting. They wanted to check to see if they could find the sack since the baby wouldn't show up yet, and they did as indicated by the two little plus signs - it's the dark rice shaped thing above them.

9 week sonogram on August 20 - the head is pointing downward, you can see a teeny arm, rounded belly and little leg. It was so amazing to see something so tiny yet so incredibly alive. The tech would poke it a little with the wand and we would watch it wiggle and squirm... watching the heart pump was awesome too.

No, I haven't really had any cravings yet. In weeks 5-7 where I did have my little bout of sickness the food that sounded the best to me were tart things like lemonade, pineapple, grapefruit and sour green grapes. Now I'm fine to eat anything, although chicken and any seafood doesn't really sound all that appetizing... I mean, I could eat it and not gag or anything like that, but I would rather have salad or cereal. I still don't really look pregnant, just a little bit of a chubby belly (which is kind of odd to see what was once flat now bloated looking - sweet flat stomach please return to me!!), but it hasn't "popped" yet, as you can see below. Please excuse the dog walking clothes, dirty mirror, and poor photography in general. I didn't have a of patience to fiddle with it tonight, but I wanted to be able to post something, so this is all I got.

12 weeks along

So from here on out, this blog is going to be saturated with baby stuff. Because I've got baby on the brain. When I think of the roles that Joe and I will be stepping into to fulfill I am filled with awe... so much of this is completely out of my control. Sure, you do the best you can with taking vitamins, eating healthy and reading up on how to do things, but for the big things, I am not in charge. The Lord has already written this little babe's birth story and life story and knows what qualities He will endow this child with. We are merely tools to accomplish those things and bring out those qualities. This is another way that the Lord is bonding Joe and I together, truly forever - there will be this perfectly created and entertwined combination of the two of us to make up one brand new person - world, are you ready?