Wishful Thinking

I like purses.

A lot.  

They are probably my one "big" indulgence.  I still have the very first purse I ever was given when I was around 3; navy blue corduroy, with a little leather strap.  It was a vital part of my ensemble when I would go on walks around the block with my Granny and we would collect leaves, flowers, rocks and I would stick them in my purse for safe keeping til I got home and could organize my loot. Now it is safely stashed away in my memory box along with favorite books and tiny shoes and a favorite stuffed animal.  

Then in my teens, I graduated to all kinds of colorful, patterned, glitzy bags big and small and had Rubbermaid bins that I stored them in since there was such an abundance.  When my family went to New York I thought I had died  and gone to heaven on Canal Street where you can buy designer knock offs for cheap.  Eventually though, I outgrew them and gave them away to some high school girls at my church who were happy for the freebies.

Now, I actually have some very nice designer purses that I love.  Joe has seriously spoiled me in that way - and I am totally enjoying that cause I'm sure when kids come that will change.  The only problem is, since they are more expensive than the trendy ones I could run into Target and grab, I feel obligated that they should be serviceable FOR.EV.ER. and match any and all seasons/clothes/colors etc.  This means that I have had to tamp down my instincts to want the colorful bags and choose the sensible black and browns.  But I miss the colors.  I miss the fun.

Anyway, I was browsing online today, and I saw the pretty thing above (Kate Spade Westbury Opus-Drawstring in leather) and instantly like the cobalt-y blue color.  Ahhh... maybe one day.  

What're some of your favorite things to treat yourselves to?

And also, I hope you are enjoying your Labor Day - I know I am!!  12:30pm and I'm on my second cup of coffee still in my PJ's!  Not too shabby!

I Think Jane Austen Might Be Slightly Offended Right Now...

People are weird.  I mean, I think you really have to be slightly disturbed to turn the Bennetts, Bingleys and Darcy into brain- eating -undead creatures.  

But on the bright side there is finally a version of Pride and Prejudice that Joe can really get into!

(Any others of you out there have guys that're into zombies?  Or is it just me?)

Geez Louise

Well.

I guess the new header is me dipping my pinky toe back into bloggy -land.  I downloaded a trial of Adobe Elements, and I don't even want to tell you how long it took me to arrange one measly banner.  *harumph*  So if anyone has any great tips on how to make it go faster I would surely appreciate it. Oh, and also how do you get rounded corners on pictures when you edit them?  I need step-by-step instructions like you would give to a 5 year old.  Thanks in advance!

Of course, this is typical me.  Jump head long into something and then get completely frustrated when it doesn't look as fantastical as it does in my mind and come to realize that I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Also, adding another time-involved project to my list.  That is typical me too.  I have about 5 rotating projects currently.  You'll get the low down on them all.    

Other than that, things have slowly ebbed back into a normal rhythm here.  I've been back to work since the beginning of April, off of the Zoloft since Memorial Day weekend.  Getting excited that we're headed to New York at the end of next month for vacation with money that was generously and anonymously donated to us for a "get away trip fund" after everything happened.  We weeded and planted roses and hydrangeas in the front and side yard and still have to tackle the blasted back yard.  Keeping up with antics of my crazy dog (he chewed up my reading glasses in a major way).  Finally painted our bedroom a lovely shade of grey.  

And yes, I'm sure it is on all of your minds so I'll just come out and say it.  We're trying again. As in, trying for a baby.  I know that there's a school of thought that says you shouldn't really share that news for fear of people pestering you and always asking "So....?", but I'll be frank.  There is a part of me that is a little afraid.  Afraid that we're doomed to have a repeat.  Afraid that we may never get pregnant again.  Really, fears that don't have a foundation... even if all those fears came true I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that God would still be with us, just as good and loving as ever and we would make it.  He has shown that to me so graciously these past few months.  That being said, I am human and definitely wrestle with those little seeds of fear.  So I WANT and NEED your prayers.  We've shared this whole journey together, so why not the next part too, whether we get pregnant easily or face a hard time of it?  Because you all have been such a support to me - even in my absence from posting - your sweet emails and notes on facebook - oh, what a great group of women to hold me up!  And so, would you please pray that we would have an easy time getting pregnant and have a healthy little one?  

So there ya go.  What started out to be just a line or two to say "hi" became a gumbo of life's recent events.  Oh well.  Good to be back.

Gabriel Joseph

Well friends, there has been a dark cloud over our heads here since October 14, 2008.  So dark in fact, that I considered stopping this blog all together.  But one of the things that I like best about this whole bloggy world is the transparency that comes along with it - to a certain degree anyway.  I know that the bloggers I feel the most inspired by and connected to are the ones who lay it all out there.  When tragedy struck me was I going to run and hide, or be honest about it and maybe, just maybe my experience might be able to help others?  

I decided that I would keep the blog going, and I know that it will be a good tool to help me deal with the hardest loss I've ever had to face.  Bear with me dear readers, I will fill you in with segments on the journey that Joe, myself, and our precious son Gabe went through the past 2.5 months and how God has been mightily at work in our lives in a seemingly hopeless situation.

For now, I will tell you that on December 30 at a routine Dr's appointment, they were not able to find Gabe's heartbeat, and that he had passed away due to heart failure - I was 6 months along with him.  Prior to that in October we had received the devastating news that he had a random chromosomal disorder (Trisomy 18), which was basically a fatal diagnosis.  We were hoping that he would make it full term... here's the email we sent out after the doctor's appointment on 12/30/08:

Friends and Family,

Kate and I found out today at our Dr's appointment that Gabe passed away due to heart failure.  We were hoping for him to make it to full term (he was at 6 months now) and get to at least share a few moments if not days to hold and interact with him, but it wasn't meant to be.  The next step is we will call tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment in the following few days to induce labor.  Please pray that the labor goes smoothly and for strength for Kate during the labor and delivery which the Dr expects to last 24-36 hours.  One thing that we praise God and are thankful for is we got the results of the amnio, and Kate and I are not genetic carriers, so there is no increased risk for a Trisomy 18 baby in future pregnancies.

As King David said when his and Bathsheba's son died, "I will go to him"...it looks like we'll get to go hang with Gabe in eternity.  Its a comfort to know where he is and that he already has a new body and is not feeling any pain or suffering.  Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and prayers throughout this journey.  Look forward to seeing all of you soon and we covet your prayers and our relationship with each and every one of you.  Your support during this time has meant the world to Kate and I.

Love,

Joe and Kate

"Gabriel" means God is my strength....  Psalm 18:1-3 conveys it well:  "I love you, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  I call to the Lord who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies".

So I was induced on January first, and after 22 hours of labor delivered our sweet boy, Gabriel Joseph, on the 2nd at 1:21pm.  He weighed 1 pound and 7 ounces and was 12.5 inches long, with dark hair.  I came home the following day, and now am trying to recover.  It is hard to have the remnants of pregnancy to have to heal from and deal with, and not have the baby.  But God is so good friends.  And do you know, if I had to do it all again, I would.  Now, that is not saying that I want another Trisomy baby or anything like that... but if it was between having Gabe in my life or not, I would definitely choose to carry him all over again.  I am amazed at how God used a little boy who didn't speak a word or even open his eyes to change me and Joe and all who heard about our situation and in the process, to reveal Himself to us.

Be patient with me.  This whole time has been filled with some good days, some bad, and that is still the case.  Don't be offended if I don't read your site right now or don't comment... I will eventually.  But in this healing process, I need to protect myself too, and for whatever reason, there was a large group of us in the blog world who were all pregnant at the same time, and that is just too hard to deal with right now, though I wish you all nothing but the best.  And my own posting about how all the events unfolded may be rather slow... as my body mends and my head clears I will try and get back into the swing of things.  I know it will come.

Thought of the Day

Once Joe got out the door last night I grabbed an ice pack and propped my feet up on the couch with the remote control, and settled in to my weekend.  After the nasty way the week started, it felt really good to sink onto the sofa and feel my body relax.  I turned on the TV, scrolled thru the guide, and found that they were doing back to back showings of these movies.  How could I not watch?

I think I had just started 5th grade when Father of the Bride came out.  And I LOVED IT.  I thought Annie was beautiful and wanted to grow up looking and acting just like her.  I thought the Banks' home was gorgeous.  I thought Annie's wedding was the most fabulous I had ever seen and hoped that one day mine would measure up to it too.  But what I really loved was Annie's relationship with her dad George, played by the hilarious Steve Martin.  They played basketball in their backyard, just like my dad and I.  He was the over-bearing, over protective parent who had trouble with change, just like mine.  Her mom was the one who quietly straightened out everything with extreme amounts of patience, just like mine.  It just so happened that year was my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, so to celebrate, they took us all on a cruise of the Mediterranean.  On the two flights to Spain the movie showed was Father of the Bride.  In the theater on the cruise ship, the movie was Father of the Bride.  On the flights home... you guessed it.  I was in heaven, and due to that frequent viewing, we all had the whole thing pretty much memorized and still quote some of the one liners to each other ("Velcome to the nineties Mr. Bonks!!!", "No, no, I said TWO hundred and fifty a head...").  I think this and Pride & Prejudice are the two movies I get the most flack/teasing about subjecting my family to.

When thirteen years later I was planning my own wedding, I pulled it out and watched it just for kicks.   It was hard to believe that I was as old as Annie and that it was my turn.  I wonder if my Dad felt the same way too.

Sorry, but believe it or not, this is the only wedding pic that I could find on the laptop... the desktop is not up and running yet.  This is me and my mentor Melinda (a bridesmaid) getting hair/makeup done before the wedding.

And seeing it last night make me grin and even tear up a little too (am I becoming like my mother or what?!?) from being on the opposite side of things.  Is it crazy that here I am thinking about how a comedy from the early nineties has been applicable to my life over a span of 17 years?  Because now I see it a little more from the parent's view point.  I've had my turn.  One day, I'll have an Annie.  And it will be her turn to be the bride, and Joe and I will have to let go. Is that schmaltzy or what?  But that's all I've got on a Saturday morning...

La Dolce Vita

I'm home! After a whirlwind 10 days, 3 blisters, 618 pictures, many euros, 3 train rides and 3 cities later, I'm back home in good old CA. In all honesty, I'm a little dazed. It's a little cruel actually how life demands that you hop right back into the routine at full speed ahead. It seems like you need an extra 3 days to process where you were and what you saw. I don't know where to start. I feel like there's so much to share and tell and describe, how do you encapsulate our adventure in one little blog? It would be big, boring, and probably scare all you off reading my posts for sure. So what I think I'll do is share things by topic, and sorta spread it out. So have some patience with me. I will say now, however, that it was definitely the trip of a lifetime, and something that I'll be forever grateful that we decided to do now, rather than relegate into the category of "someday". In Italy, they say they live the "dolce vita", or "sweet life", and I have to completely agree. The pace is slow. The people are wonderful. The food is amazing. Truly, whether you're at a little mom & pop trattoria, or a tiny pizzeria, or a big hostelaria, you can't get a bad meal. The blend of ancient and modern together in Rome, Florence, and Venice is beautiful and surreal. You feel richer just for seeing the things that those cities have to offer you, be it works from the masters like Michelangelo and da Vinci, old ruins from the Forum built by slaves, or the lazy rivers that glide through the cities. Rome absolutely stole our hearts, and will forever be a special place to us. On our last night there before we flew home the next morning, we went to our favorite restaurant in the city, and then walked across the street to the Colosseum, where we laid out on the grass in front of it, and got some amazing pictures. It was the perfect way to say goodbye. Even though I could have stayed on vacation for a whole lot longer, 10 days was a good amount of time - we left in love with Italy wanting more, rather than feeling like we were sick and tired of living our of our suitcases and just ready to be home. The funny thing about travel though, it once you get a taste of it, you want more, more, more!! On the plane ride home the wheels were already turning as to where we could explore next. It would be really nice if we could swing another big trip before any wee-ones come along. But I don't know...if we get into a house, that's where all the $$$ will be going... so who knows. It is nice to be home though. Nothing feels as good as your own sheets, pillow, and bed, plus this is the land of complementary ice with your drinks. And fall is almost here, which means my birthday is just around the corner, as well as my favorite season of the year. So stay tuned, much more to follow...Ciao!

Shout Out to Sandy

I just found out today that one of my ol' friends from school days is expecting her first baby in January. I am so excited for her - I really haven't been able to stop thinking about it today. I'm not quite sure why. I mean, quite a few people from my class have had kids...heck, even my high school boyfriend has now been a dad for about a year. But this is different...she's the first one from my closer circle of girlfriends from then to actually experience pregnancy - she's the one sustaining life. Not like the guys I know who're now dads...I mean, that's very cool too, but not the same b/c it's their wives who went through all the emotions/physical change/etc. Trippy! I mean, this is Sandy who in 3rd grade volunteered to pull out my tooth for me, watched Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken with like 84,000 times (small exaggeration), played soccer with at every lunchtime in Jr. High, giggled and gossiped with in High School during band... Of course, we had our arguments and normal girl drama too...but when I think of my school experience, she is a big part of it. Hard to believe that we're really at this stage of life, when I can picture running around Chabot Elementary school's field chasing soccer balls with her like it was yesterday.
Not too uncommon, but we kinda lost touch during college; however, thru the joy that is MySpace, have reconnected enough to know what each other is doing, send a comment, and keep tabs on each other. She should be really grateful that I still don't know how to use the scanner, otherwise I could post some adolescent pics that are dynamite...you know, that lovely awkward stage. Actually, come to think of it, Sandy always looked good. I look like a skinny geek, so you're really not missing much.
Anyhow, I just wanted her to know that I'm thinking about her, excited for the journey she's on, and wanted to pay a small tribute to her, because saying "congrats" just doesn't seem adequate enough. Especially since it made me get to reminiscing about elementary, Jr. High and CVHS. I don't think I let her know how much I valued her friendship - and that's not right. She was an awesome buddy to have. Bye 4 now !!

***Edited to Add***
Sandy was kind enough to send me our eighth grade sticky-pic from the yearbook...can you dig the matching overalls? Very 1995. So I'm on the left, Sandy's in the middle, and Debbie is on the right. Interestingly enough, Debbie was always interested in showbiz, and lo and behold she graduated from UC Berkely and has been wrapping up her master's (all aimed at the entertainment field) at Stanford and directed a short film for her thesis. She'll be famous, and I hope she remembers that she owes us a limo ride like she promised if she ever "made it". She is also gorgeous now, no more pouffy bangs... Good times, good times!

Special Day

I can't let yesterday go by without saying that on July 24th 3 years ago, Joe proposed to me at Yosemite. Like everything else about life that I am figuring out, the reality of what it has turned out to be is better and different that I imagined. Life with my buddy by my side is so satisfying and good. He amplifies my life in every way. Even though the wedding was 6 months later in January, and that's when we made vows to each other in front of everyone, July 24th is really the start of it all, when we promised to be each other's for life. It has a special place in my heart. That's all.

Enjoying the "now"

Lately I've been ruminating about how I love different periods of time. Seeing as how history was my major, this isn't really surprising. I think it's fascinating to learn about people, places and how day to day life was. WWII, the pioneers, the Tudors, the Spanish Inquisition, the Boston Tea Party, I'll take it all. You'll either find my nose stuck in a book reading, or when I'm not doing that, I'm day-dreaming about the future. Funny, huh? I mean, complete opposite end of the spectrum. I like to imagine what our house will be like, what colors I'll paint the walls, what flowers I'll put in the backyard, where the playhouse and swing set will be in the backyard, and three cute kids bouncing around. It doesn't seem to take much to spark some sort of dream in my head; just getting the new Pottery Barn out of the mailbox does it. Seriously, that thing is to me now what my American Girl catalogue was to me when I was 9. I love to pore over every page, see what's new, read all the descriptions, you get the idea. The thing is though...I don't think I give enough attention to the present. Not that I'm not happy with my life now (quite the opposite), but it just doesn't seem as interesting. By thinking about the past or the future, I don't know if I'm getting as much as I can out of right now - and I don't like that very much. I don't want to cheat myself out of all the great things that my life has to offer me right now. I think some of my problem is that I compare myself to others, and see where they are in their lives, and instantly think that I need to be right there too...even though I know that what's right for them now, isn't necessarily right for me. I don't think that loving history, or thinking about the future are bad things, but being consumed by them sure is.

Relying in the Lord's timing isn't easy...I know that I'm being prepped for the next stage of life, even though it sometimes seems like I'm going nowhere fast. But God ushers us into different seasons of our lives, not a day too early or late. That's a comforting thought. So while I'm here, I will embrace all things that He's put on my plate and in my life. I will embrace all that each day has to offer me. I will embrace the now.

Oh, happy day

Indiana Jones is coming back into my life sometime in the spring/summer of '08. I actually squealed with delight when I saw this production photo - proof that they really are making a fourth one. I CANNOT wait! It's a good thing when Joe and I were dating that no whip-cracking, antiquity hunting archaeologist ever ran into me, because things might've turned out very differently... Just to clarify, it's Indy I have the crush on, not Harrison Ford. And also, I'd just like to say that when I'm 64, I hope I look as good as he does.

The American Media Is Driving Me Nuts Right Now

Just a little rant that I don't think the horrendous behavior of a blond heiress who is a twit needs to be the #1 story in the country right now. All day on the radio, Internet and TV have been blow by blow segments and updates as to whether Paris Hilton will or won't go back to jail. To quote Seinfeld and Joe's cousin Jerrod, this is completely asinine. What must we look like to other nations around the world, when this is what we as a country choose to put all our attention on? I can't believe that the media thinks this is good reporting. There are so many other things to be talking about; why not instead of people protesting her being in jail, they protest the presence of Al-Quaida terrorists cells here in their communities that plot to kill Americans (because they really do exist - don't believe me? Talk to your local law enforcement)? Why not honor soldiers and their families in interviews and rallies for them? Does she really deserve all this air-time and attention for breaking the law? Props to the judge who is sticking to his guns and doing what her parents should've done long ago: give her consequences for her actions. I admit that I like reading about the starts and celebrity gossip; when People magazine comes around I gobble it up. But I like the things like knowing where Reese Witherspoon shops, and seeing a picture of Jennifer Aniston walking her dog. I am sick of the constant barrage of Lindsay, Britney and Paris who keep getting lower, and lower, and lower and that the US can be so captivated by worthless people doing worthless things.

Wish List

Yeah, I'm satisfied with my life, and grateful for what I have. Yeah, I don't have anymore room to cram things into my very-fastly-growing-way-too-small-apartment. But I have one sublime wish list, and I just know that getting the things on it would make my life even that much better... I would make it work!!


Numero uno on the list is a dog. You are either a dog person, or you aren't and we happen to be. When you've been raised all your life with pets, it makes a big difference when you can't have them. I want that companionship for walks and days when Joe is at work. This is a picture of the breed I want; a Rottweiler! Most people look shocked when I tell them that part. Me, a little white girl wanting a bad ass type dog. But, hey people, I've done my research, and they're great dogs. Since I'll be by my lonesome a fair amount at night when hubby has work, I want a dog that is protective. Not just protective as in barks loudly, but as in when people see it will think twice, decide they don't feel like being bitten or torn to mince meat and go away. They're great with kids, and they don't shed like the other breed we were looking at (German Shepherd). Plus, look at that little face, ain't it sweet? Joe is interested in one other breed too, but I'm holding firm. You'll see!! I also have an awesome name in mind, but I'm not sharing that yet, lest one of you takes it for your canine. But alas, that has to wait till we find a little house. I think the landlord would notice if we tried to sneak having that kind of behemoth of a dog.

Oh, how I know that I would love TiVo! Of course, getting TiVo would necessitate getting cable, which let me tell you that I am all in favor of. That's right, since we've been married, no TV. We do have a beautiful TV, but it's main use has been for DVDs and XBox. It made sense in the beginning because we were poor and didn't want another bill to pay. Then we had the money, but Joe was in the academy and didn't want the distraction. Then he finished, but was afraid that we'd get sucked in and turn into blobs. And there the issue has rested. But, man I miss the Food Network, TLC, and Law & Order SVU. Also the news, and silly stuff like who was voted off American Idol. We can live without it...I would just rather not at this point. Also, (and I use this point quite a bit), what is a girl supposed to do by herself at night? I'm an avid reader, but even I can only read so much. And now I have little craft projects to work on, but sometimes you just want to veg, you know? I know we're almost to TiVo land...just a little farther to go.

I really hope I get this for my birthday in the fall. I have been eyeballing the LeCruset pots for years, and I am too cheap to pay for one for myself. Plus, we do have limited cabinetry in our closet sized kitchen to store something so big with my other pots and pans. But I do not care. This pot is awesome and beautiful; this is the new color, I think it is called "Caribbean Blue", and I love it! Much better and fresher than some of the seventies-like colors that they use. All the "chefy" girls on TV have this style pot, so I need one too. Because having this pot will let me be just like them. I bet it makes the food taste better too.



And in the left corner, Nikon...........in the right, Canon. This will be happening within a month or two - a DSLR of my very own!! I have dabbled in photography since high school ( darkroom, develop your own film, win a ribbon at the county fair; you know, the whole shebang) and enjoyed it. I inherited my dad's old SLR, and had a blast using it. But now that technology is pretty obsolete. It only makes sense to get a digital one. But my head is spinning with options. Growing up with my dad (who is EXTREMELY loyal to certain brands) it was Nikon all the way. So I've been drooling for awhile over the D40. But lately, my head has been getting turned by Canon. Some of Joe's family members have gotten them, and some people whose blogs I read also use them and seem to really like them. Which way to go? With what I know, or be a rebel and switch sides? Any advice in this area would be appreciated.

Ooohh, aahhh, Crate & Barrel, do you ever go wrong? Although I admit I do prefer Pottery Barn, you knock my socks off with this bed ( picture matching bedside tables on either side). But I like even better what it represents: a unified grown up bedroom!! Again, this will have to wait for a house. I'm just tired of having a mish-mash of furniture - I'd like it to stop looking like we're in college, and be put together. The bedroom has definitely gotten the short end of the stick. Instead of a catch all space in a tiny apartment, I want it to be a quiet and relaxing place (read: no computer/ironing board/snowboards/tools/cop gear). Since we've been so thrifty, we've never bought a big piece of furniture together. It'll be fun and grown up. While I would love to have a complete set of bedroom furniture (one day baby!), I would settle just for a headboard and bedside tables like the beauty in the pic ...

So there you have it. The stuff that my materialistic dreams and wishes are made of.

Hello, blogging world

Well, here I am. I decided that this format is a little more grown up than Myspace, and will allow me to do what I really want - write down my babblings, post my pics, and chat with like minded people. Due to Amanda's suggestion to ditch Myspace, seeing her blog, and those of her friends, she really opened my eyes to a whole new world...one I think that I want to be a part of too. I hope it will take. I've never really been too faithful to the whole journaling/diary thing. But I'm ready for a change. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...